


Welcome to the Jungle

by My_Trex_has_fleas



Series: The Nine Nine [1]
Category: Poldark - All Media Types, Return to Treasure Island (TV 1996)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Police, Explicit Language, Idiots in Love, Love/Hate, M/M, brooklyn nine nine au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 06:10:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9421976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Trex_has_fleas/pseuds/My_Trex_has_fleas
Summary: The DarkHawk/Brooklyn Nine Nine AU that has been driving me crazy all week.Fill for Prompt 29: Fighting like cats and dogs. For the Gathering Fiki Winter Fandom Raffle Exchange.It's Captain Teach's first day in the Nine Nine. Time to meet the inmates.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mosslover](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mosslover/gifts).



> To Thistle, best First Mate of the canoe ever :)

Captain Edwina Teach looked at herself in the rear view mirror of her car, applied another coat of lipstick and gave herself a critical once over. It never hurt to make an impression from the word go and she had plans for this precinct. Big plans.

She got out the car, straightening her jacket and slinging her briefcase over her shoulder before she locked the door behind her and walked towards the brick building of the 99th Precinct Police Department of Brooklyn, New York City.

Her time had come.

**********

‘Once more, sir.’ Jim looked down at the notes he’d written in a very careful hand. ‘You said you didn’t get a good look at them?’

‘Yeah.’ the shop assistant replied. ‘It all happened too fast, man.’ Jim sighed and looked over his shoulder. Ross was at the back of the shop poking around with things that he had no business touching and smiling winningly at the new forensics tech who was blushing and trying not to show that he was extremely pleased to have caught Ross’ attention.

Jim huffed in annoyance and turned back to the witness.

‘So what did they take?’ he asked and the man shrugged. He looked like he’d been stoned for most of the 21st century.

‘Laptops mostly.’ he replied. ‘Look is this going to take long?’

‘As long as it needs to.’ Jim said, affecting that stern tone he used with people that didn’t want to cooperate. Ross said it made him sound like a hall monitor.

There was a cackle from behind him and Jim turned with a glare for his partner as the sound of a techno beat reached his ears. Ross was at a keyboard, snickering like the developmentally challenged overgrown teenager he was. He looked up and caught Jim’s look.

‘Could you at least pretend to be an adult for twenty minutes?’ he snapped and Ross gave him one of those insufferable grins of his that said he wasn’t sorry in the slightest.

‘Sorry.’ he said, completely unrepentant. Jim snorted and turned back to the man.

‘I’d like to apologise for my partner.’ he said. ‘His parents didn’t give him enough attention when he was a child. I’d also like to know the names of everyone who has access to the store and the owner’s details.’

‘No need, Detective.’ Ross declared coming over to the counter. ‘I have already solved the case.’

‘Oh?’ Jim turned to him, resisting the urge to smack him in his smug (albeit gorgeous) mouth. ‘And just how did you do that, Sherlock?’

‘Process of deduction, Watson.’ Ross smirked. ‘We’re looking for three perps, all white males and in their twenties I think but they dress like they’re from the nineties. Also one of them has two full sleeve tats.’ Jim gaped at him.

‘How the hell do you know that?’ he asked and Ross pointed to a large teddy bear sitting on a shelf at the back of the store. Jim recognised it from earlier. Ross had been holding it in his hands and giving it his Donnie Brasco monologue.

‘Christ.’ he muttered. ‘Nanny cam?’

‘Nanny cam.’ Ross confirmed, sounding far too smug for just after eight in the morning. ‘Guess that means you’re buying coffee this morning, Hawkins. I’ll take a triple mocha skinny latte with whipped cream.’

‘That doesn’t even make sense.’ Jim was now ready to commit a one eight seven, never mind smacking him in the (still gorgeous) mouth. ‘And you got lucky, Poldark. That’s all.’

‘Lucky shcmucky.’ Ross said cheerfully. He went behind the counter and grabbed the bear, bringing it over to Jim. ‘I just figured that there had to be at least one working camera in this place.’ He pushed the bear into Jim’s face and affected a raspy Clint Eastwood voice. ‘I’ve seen terrible things, James. Terrible things. I haven’t felt the touch of a woman in years…’

‘Fuck off, Poldark.’ Jim shoved the bear away. ‘You’re an embarrassment to the force.’ He gave Ross’ usual ensemble of barely ironed pants, plaid shirt and t-shirt under his leather jacket a disdainful look. If it wasn’t for the gold shield hanging around his neck and the Glock on his hip, no-one would have ever believed he was one of New York’s finest. ‘You look unprofessional, act like a juvenile delinquent and think you’re starring in your own action movie.’

‘Oooh, nice.’ Ross replied, hazel eyes twinkling madly. ‘Did you work on that one all morning?’

‘Fuck you.’ Jim hissed and stormed off, Ross’ laughter ringing in his ears followed by the raspy voice again.

‘Detective Hawkins.’ he sounded theatrically imploring. ‘Don’t walk away from me.’

Jim threw him the finger over his shoulder and went out to their unmarked car, getting in and slumping down in the seat. It was going to be a long fucking day.

*********

An hour later they were bringing in the three guys, hopheads who’d been looking for some stuff to pawn quickly. They’d been caught trying to sell on the stolen goods at a cash converters a block over from the electronics store.

Once they handed them over for processing, they headed to the briefing room. As they walked in, Trelawney gave them a thumbs up. He was their squad sargeant, a bear of a man with a heart just as big. The room was already occupied by the other members of their squad. In the front row was Dwight Enys, Ross’ best friend and the sweetest man on the planet; Demelza Carne, whose red hair was as fiery as her temper and at the back the two old timers - John Silver and James McGraw.

‘Good work.’ Trelawney said. ‘Nice to crack a case so early in the morning.’

‘Yeah.’ Demelza stuck her biker boots on the desk in front of her. ‘The question is who exactly cracked it?’

All eyes turned on them and Jim braced himself for what was coming.

‘I believe in the value of teamwork.’ Ross announced. ‘But it was totally me.’

There was a round of laughter and applause. Jim wanted to fall through the floor, all his competitive fervor bridling at what he was about to do.

‘You know the rules, Jim.’ Trelawney was grinning.

Jim sighed and went to the whiteboard at the front of the room. It had a corner blocked off with his name and Ross’ written in red marker. Underneath each name was a number. They had been equal but now he erased the one under Ross’ name and added one to it.

‘I hate this.’ he muttered.

‘Yeah, but it feels so good to be on top.’ Ross laughed behind him and Jim turned to give him a filthy look.

‘Enjoy it while it lasts, chucklehead.’ he retorted. ‘You’re not going to be there for long.’

‘I will.’ Ross said, getting up and moving past him, taking the remote from Trelawney. ‘And now onto our main feature. After I solved the case this morning, without coffee I might add, we got a call to the apartment of one Michael Luffington, restaurant owner and foodie extraordinaire. Good news for all you murder fans. He was found by his cleaning lady battered to death on his bedroom floor.’ A picture came up of a man sprawled out on his stomach. A pool of blood was spread out underneath his head. He was wearing a fushcia silk kimono. ‘Can I also just say that that is the gayest thing I have ever seen anyone wearing.’

‘Guidelines, Poldark.’ Trelawney rumbled and Ross laughed.

‘Sarge, I am gay. I am officially allowed to say shit like that.’ He snickered. ‘Even Hawkins looks straighter than this guy and he gets his nails done.’

‘We’re not all Neanderthals.’ Jim retorted. ‘And maybe the guys you bang would appreciate an upgrade in your hygiene.’

‘The guys I bang are more than happy with what they get.’ Ross was on a roll, eyes sparkling.

‘Can we get back to the case?’ Trelawney said.

‘Sure.’ Ross grinned. ‘Apparently the motive was just to kill the guy. Nothing was taken from the apartment with the exception of a ham.’

‘A ham?’ Demelza snorted. ‘Why the fuck would anyone steal a ham?’

‘This was apparently a…’ Ross squinted at his notebook. Jim rolled his eyes. Ross’ handwriting was so awful that none of their official handwriting experts was able to decipher it. ‘Jamon Iberico.’ His pronunciation was stilted and drawn out.

‘Oh my God.’ Dwight looked like he’d been told that the perp had taken the Holy Grail. ‘That stuff’s worth a fortune. It’s the best ham Spain produces.’ He turned to Demelza. ‘See, what they do is let the pigs stuff themselves with acorns and…’

‘Enys.’ Trelawney said and he fell silent. ‘Enough with the ham.’ He looked at Ross and Jim. ‘So what have we got?’

‘Well.’ Jim took out his notebook and flicked to the relevant page. ‘We know that he had a run in with one of his suppliers a few days ago. A man named Felipe Roberto Hernandez. He owns a fancy deli down in Williamsburg.’ he said. ‘Other than that, not much until the crime techs are done with the scene.’

‘Keep on it.’ Trelawney said and then turned as Dwight put up his hand. ‘What now?’

‘Sir, when’s the new captain going to come and see us?’ he asked. ‘We heard she’s in the building.’

‘Captain Teach will be along directly.’ Trelawney said. ‘She’s just getting the lie of the land and checking out the department.’

‘Is it true, she’s a hardass?’ Ross asked with a grin and Jim wanted to facepalm. ‘I heard from a couple of guys in her old precinct that she’s a real ballbreaker.’

‘Captain Teach is an excellent commander.’ Trelawney said. ‘And you will not embarrass me, Poldark. If you do I swear to God I will fold you in half and stuff you in your desk drawer.’

‘Just asking.’ Ross laughed. ‘I bet she’s a peach.’

‘Department guidelines state that you are about a hair away from inappropriate conduct, Poldark.’ The voice came from the door. They saw a woman come in, her captain’s uniform immaculate. She came in and gave Ross a look that could have stripped paint. ‘And where is your tie?’

‘I…’ Jim was delighted to see that Ross was now lost for words, his normally cocky retorts dying on his lips. ‘Sir…Ma’am, Captain Haywood never made us wear them, sir. Ma’am.’

The words came out in a jumble and Jim suddenly wanted to get up and kiss their new Captain on the mouth, something he hadn’t done to a woman in almost twenty years.

‘I see.’ Teach pressed her scarlet lips together and narrowed her black eyes at Ross. Then she turned to Trelawney. ‘Sargeant, a word?’ She turned on one heel and stalked out the briefing room.

‘Of course.’ Trelawney said. ‘Hawkins, you and Poldark check in with the coroner. Enys, you and Carne take the apartment block. Go door to door and see what you can dig up.’

‘Crap.’ Demelza looked disgruntled. ‘You know it’s a waste of time, right Sarge?’

‘Just do it, Carne.’ Trelawney hissed at her. Then he straightened his tie. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try and salvage what just happened.’ He left the room and they all looked at each other.

‘Well, now.’ Ross had his thinking face on and that worried Jim more than anything. ‘It would seem our new captain is a stickler for the rules.’

‘Leave it, Ross.’ Demelza was now on her feet.

‘What?’ he asked, his face a picture of mock innocence.

‘You know what.’ she said, grinning at him. ‘I know that look.’

‘Yeah.’ Dwight said. ‘She’s only just got here.’

‘Look.’ Ross retorted. ‘I took a long time to train Haywood to get him just the way I wanted.’ He looked in the direction of Teach’s office. ‘If she thinks I am changing the way I do things, she’s dead wrong.’

‘Yeah?’ Jim walked past him. ‘And what are you going to do about it?’

‘You’ll see.’ Ross said and followed him.

***********

Trelawney watched them all file out the briefing room and then turned back to where Teach was now sitting behind her desk.

‘Tell me about them.’ she said. ‘What am I getting myself into?’

‘They’re good detectives.’ Trelawney said. ‘You’ve seen our numbers. They work hard and make good solid calls. Our clearance rate is one of the highest in Brooklyn.’

‘That’s all very good and a matter of public record.’ Teach got up and came over to stand next to him, looking through the glass at the squad room. ‘But I want to know the real story.’ Trelawney looked at her, faltering under that piercing gaze and then he caved.

‘All right.’ he said. ‘here’s the deal. He pointed at the two older men at the back. ‘Flint and Silver are useless. I try and keep them as far away from actual police work as I can. The last case they worked, they got beaten up by three underage prostitutes in an alley.’

‘I see.’ Teach said, still completely inscrutable.

‘Carne is a great detective.’ Trelawney nodded at the redhead dressed in tight black skinny jeans, biker boots and a t-shirt that said SUCK IT on the front. ‘But she’s a little feisty.’

‘I have a report that said she nipple crippled the last suspect she interrogated.’ Teach said and Trelawney winced.

‘Enys is good. Steady, reliable and a great closer.’ He was now looking a little like he was starting to sweat. Teach looked at the man with the light brown hair who was trying to get his tie out of the photocopier where it seemed to have gotten stuck. ‘Granted he’s not the most imaginative detective in the world, but he’s a fine secondary.’

‘What about those two.’ Teach said and gestured at where Hawkins was seated at his desk and glaring at Poldark, who was doing a frankly ridiculous victory dance in front of him. Trelawney pinched the bridge of his nose as Poldark moonwalked past Hawkins and then tripped over a trash can.

‘Those two are my best detectives.’ he admitted. ‘Hawkins is bright, scored top of his class in every exam at the Academy and can recite code in his sleep.’

‘And Poldark?’ Teach asked.

‘Brilliant.’ Trelawney said. ‘Ross has a knack for police work that you very rarely see.’

‘Downsides.’ Teach said and he sighed.

‘Hawkins is fussy, rigid and we’re all pretty sure he’s had a lobotomy to remove his sense of humour. Poldark is a terminal adolescent with all the social skills of a dead pigeon.’ He looked at her. ‘So what do you think?’

‘Interesting.’ Teach replied.

*********

‘So he was what? Battered to death with a ham?’ Ross was peering at the autopsy report. ‘How the hell do you even do that?’

‘With a great deal of determination.’ Dr Livesey was grinning. ‘I have to say that this is the first time I have ever seen this in over twenty years of being here. I’m writing it up for the next conference.’ She pointed at the massive contusions on the back of Livesey’s head and neck. ‘There’s a couple of things I still have to check, but that’s your cause of death. Blunt force trauma.’

‘Why though?’ Jim was frowning and Ross gave him a surreptitious look. Jim was wearing his dark grey suit, paired with his usual snowy white shirt and a forget-me-not blue tie that made his eyes pop. He looked good, not a blond hair out of place as usual, and it made Ross want to go over and mess him up a bit.

‘Well, I also found this.’ Livesey handed over a small plastic evidence bag. ‘It was embedded in his ass.’

‘Now that’s something.’ Ross made a grab for the bag, glaring at Jim when he held it out of reach.

‘It’s pretty impressive.’ Livesey said. ‘I reckon it’s about three carats.’

‘So that means he had company of a female persuasion.’ Jim said.

‘Nuh-uh.’ Ross said. ‘The dude was clearly gay.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s probably his.’

‘Not necessarily.’ Jim replied. ‘And have you never heard of bisexuality?’

‘Trust me.’ Ross said, folding his arms. ‘At the end of this case, we’re going to find some guy with bleached hair and a cut dick.’ He nodded to Livesey. ‘Thanks Doc.’

‘No sweat.’ she said and waved them off.

Outside there was a brief tussle over the driver’s seat.

‘No.’ Jim was adamant. ‘You drove yesterday.’

‘Yeah, but you drive like my Aunt Agatha.’ Ross protested. ‘We actually want to catch this guy before our pensions kick in.’ He shoved Jim out the way and opened the door. ‘Go be co-pilot.’ Jim heaved a huge sigh and went around the other side of the car. He got in and Ross watched him do up his seat-belt. Every little methodical little move irritated the crap out of him. He started the car and pulled off and got a look because he hadn’t bothered with his own. Ross ignored him and put his foot down.

They got to the deli and Ross pulled in alongside the sidewalk and got out. Jim was coming around the side and he gave Ross a look.

‘You let me lead on this.’ he said and Ross gave him a mock bow and opened the door for him.

‘After you, my liege.’ he said and snickered at the irritation on Jim’s face.

Inside they found a dark haired woman serving behind a glassed in counter. Behind her was a wall covered in pictures of her and a tall man with a wide range of celebrities.

‘Hello.’ she said, her English accented. ‘Can I help you?’

‘Yes.’ Jim unhooked his shield from his belt and showed it to her. ‘I’m Detective Hawkins and this is Detective Poldark. Are you Mrs Hernandez?’

‘I am.’ she replied, wiping her hands on a dishcloth. ‘Can I help you?’

‘We’re investigating the death of Michael Luffington.’ Jim said. ‘He was found dead in his apartment this morning.’

‘Oh my God.’ The shock on her face was genuine and Ross watched her closely. ‘Mike’s dead?’

‘Yes.’ Jim had his poker face on. ‘He was beaten to death with a very expensive ham.’

‘I can’t believe it.’ She leaned back against the counter behind her. ‘We only saw him yesterday. He came by to pick up the jamon before the restaurant opened.’

‘And that was the last time you saw him?’ Jim asked and she nodded. ‘In that case would you like to explain how one of your earrings became stuck in the dead man’s posterior?’

Mrs Hernandez gasped almost comically and then her face crumpled. Jim shot Ross a triumphant look.

‘How long were you seeing him?’ he asked and she started to cry.

‘Six months.’ she confessed, sniffling into the dishcloth.

‘And your husband?’ Ross said. ‘I take it he didn’t know.’

‘Oh he did.’ she replied. ‘We…had an arrangement. Felipe’s going to be devastated.’

That took them both by surprise. Ross looked at Jim and got a tiny shrug.

‘So were both involved with him?’ he asked and Mrs Hernandez nodded.

‘But we did not see him last night.’ she replied. ‘I lost my earring three nights ago when we were at his apartment.’

‘Did he own a purple robe?’ Ross asked and she nodded.

‘He got it in Japan.’ she replied. ‘This is terrible.’ They all looked up as a large heavy-set man came in from the back with a box in his arms. ‘Felipe, these detectives are here about Mike. He’s dead.’

The man stopped dead and stared at Jim and Ross. Then he dropped the box, turned and hurtled through the back door.

‘Crap!’ Ross took off after him, grabbing his weapon and rebounding off the wall as he went through the back door in hot pursuit. He chased Hernandez through a stock room full of boxes and shelves and out into the alley at the back. For a big guy, Hernandez was pretty quick. He grabbed a stack of pallets and threw them into Ross’s path and Ross stumbled over them, nearly landing on his face.

Hernandez gave a triumphant laugh and carried on running. Unfortunately he didn’t see Jim standing at the entrance to the alley, baton drawn. He went low, using it to take out Hernandez’s feet from under him. By the time Ross got to him, he had Hernandez on the ground, cuffing his hands behind him.

‘Good.’ Ross panted. ‘See, I was driving him towards you.’

Jim snorted and hauled Hernandez to his feet.

‘Dumbass.’ he said and led Hernandez out the alley, Ross following behind him.

**********

‘You should talk to her.’ Demelza said. Dwight started and looked mildly panicked.

‘No.’ he hissed.

‘Why not?’ Demelza said. ‘You like her.’ Dwight shushed her frantically, stealing another look at the blonde woman sitting at the squad administrator’s desk. Her name plaque declared her to be Caroline Penvenen.

‘She’s way out of my league.’ he stage whispered. Demelza rolled her eyes at him.

‘She’s nice.’ She said. ‘Just ask her out already.’ Her coppery eyebrows went up as she spotted Jim and Ross coming in with a man in handcuffs. ‘Looks like Jim just scored.’

‘You know since they made that bet, their numbers have been way up.’ Dwight remarked.

‘What bet?’ The sound of Teach’s voice behind them made them both jump. She folded her arms and looked at them expectantly.

‘So it’s like this.’ Demelza explained. ‘At the last Christmas party they made a bet. Whoever gets the most felony arrests by the next Christmas party wins.’

‘Wins what exactly?’ Teach asked. Demelza and Dwight exchanged grins.

‘If Jim wins, Ross has to give him his car.’ Demelza said. ‘It’s a ’68 Mustang. Pretty sweet ride.’

‘And Poldark?’ Teach asked. ‘What does he get?’

‘If Ross wins, Jim has to go on a date with him.’ Dwight said. ‘A proper one.’

Teach raised a perfectly groomed eyebrow.

‘Interesting.’ she said and walked off.

***********

The shift ended and at the close of day briefing, Ross gritted his teeth and went to the board. He rubbed out Jim’s score and wrote up the new one, putting them level once again. He turned and fixed Jim with a glare.

‘Don’t think this isn’t going to change.’ he said, waving a hand at the board. ‘I only gave you that one because I felt sorry for you.’

‘Sure you did.’ Jim’s smug look was enough to make Ross want to punch him. ‘Keep thinking that, Poldark.’

‘Right.’ Trelawney said. ‘if we’re all done, can I suggest that we clock off and get the hell out of here. Some of us have families to get home to.’ He walked out the room and the all looked at each other.

‘O’Leary’s?’ Dwight asked and they all got up and headed out.

The bar was a cop staple, just down the road. It had cheap beer and great hot wings and they all ended up around a table, talking about the day.

‘So he was fucking both of them?’ Demelza asked and Ross nodded.

‘Yeah.’ he replied. ‘But it turned out that Luffington had a bit of a thing for Mrs Hernandez and Hernandez had a bit of a thing for Luffington. Triangle gone wrong.’ He took a pull of his beer. Dwight laughed.

‘So who’s wants to head on out and see a movie?’ he asked. ‘There’s an all-night showing over at the Electric. Monster movies.’

‘No thanks.’ Jim chucked his share of the tab on the table and got up. ‘I have plans.’

‘Yeah?’ Ross smirked at him. ‘You going to go home and have a long and meaningful conversation with your tiny trees?’

‘They’re bonsai and no.’ Jim retorted. ‘I actually have a date.’

‘Christ.’ Ross sniggered. ‘What desperate man decided to actually go out with you?’

‘One who doesn’t think that Debussy is a dirty word in Spanish.’ Jim replied. ‘I’ll see you all on Monday.’ He walked towards the exit and Ross glared at him over his beer bottle.

‘He’s such a prick.’ he muttered. ‘He’s so anal retentive I bet it takes a bucket of Crisco just to get in there.’ Demelza laughed and Dwight went red.

‘You shouldn’t bait him like that.’ he said. ‘You have to work with him.’

‘That’s exactly why I do it.’ Ross replied. ‘It keeps things interesting. He’s so fucking boring, it’s the only thing that gives me any will to live.’ He dug out his phone. ‘Still he has a point.’ He started to flick through his screen. ‘Let’s see what the magic of Grindr can conjure up tonight.’ Demelza snorted.

‘You’re such a slut.’ she said and Ross chuckled.

‘Yes, I am.’ His eyes were still on the screen. ‘Oh look, there’s a six foot muscle queen who wants to take it up the ass not three blocks from here.’ He dug a few crumpled bills from his pocket and added them to the pile on the table top. ‘Later bitches.’

They watched him leave and then Demelza leaned back in her seat.

‘So.’ she said. ‘Let’s talk about this plan I have to get you to ask Caroline out.’

Dwight groaned and put his face in his hands.

**********

_The next morning._

Ross woke to the sound of the shower going, the smell of sex saturated into his bedsheets and used condoms littering his nightstand. He counted them and grinned, turning over onto his back. He scratched his chest, picking some of the dried cum out of his thick dark body hair. His partner from the night before had a predilection for being on top and he’d ended up looking like a Jackson Pollack painting by the time they were done.

He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed, getting up and stretching. His muscles burned pleasantly from overuse and there was the taste of an impending hangover brewing in his mouth. A few steps over a trail of discarded clothes took him to the door of his tiny en-suite bathroom. Ross leaned in the doorway and admired the silhouette of the naked man in his shower.

He crossed to the door and opened it, getting in under the water and pinning the man inside up against the tiled wall and kissing him stupid. Eventually he was shoved away and looked down into furious blue-green eyes.

‘Not a fucking word.’ Jim hissed. ‘Or I will end you.’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t believe I blew off my date for you.’

Ross grinned evilly and corralled him in with his hands placed either side of Jim’s head. He leaned in and felt gratified at the way Jim’s breathing hitched just the tiniest bit.

‘You know you say that every time we fuck, right?’ he smirked.

‘And I’ll keep saying it until I knock some sense into myself and stop doing it.’ Jim retorted, ducking under his arms and escaping out the shower. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a tai chi class to go to.’ Ross let him go, checking out Jim’s ass through the fogged glass.

He took his time, washing the dried cum and lube and saliva off of his skin and shampooing his hair. When he was done, he got out and grabbed a towel. By the time he went back into the room, Jim was gone. The used condoms had been thrown away and one of Jim’s business cards left in its place. Ross snickered and picked it up. He read the words on the back.

_I MEAN IT!!!!_

The message was accompanied by a stick figure drawing of a man being shot in the head. Ross stuck it between his teeth as he grabbed his ratty grey velour bathrobe from behind the door and put it on. He walked into the front open plan room and smiled when he saw that Jim had started a fresh pot of coffee and fed Columbo on his way out. He went to the counter, stopping briefly to stroke the calico Oriental’s bat-like ears and then grabbed a battered coffee tin from one of the kitchen shelves.

He opened it and stuck the business card in with all the others already in there. It served as the only record of what had happened the previous night and many nights before. It was still a source of great amusement that in a building full of detectives, not a single one had figured out that he and Jim fucked every week without fail, and had done for the past three years. It was perilously close to actually being a relationship, although neither of them would have ever admitted that in a million years.

Ross chuckled and poured himself a cup of coffee, scooping Columbo off the counter and walking over to the sofa. He settled down on the sofa and Columbo curled in his lap, purring. Ross sipped his coffee and turned the TV on.

It was going to be a good day.


End file.
